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Whoops

It’s literally been more than a year since I last posted. And, boy, what a year it’s been.

So far 2015 is chalking up to be my worst year ever, in fact, I think it already has that title, but there’s room for it to go either way. My husband is officially jobless at the end of day tomorrow, and with nothing new secured yet, there’s a possibility things could get much, much worse.

Since April I’ve lost my creative mojo. I’ve not written anything, and I’m feeling as far from being a writer as those normal non-writerly people must feel–except I still hang out with writers, and people ask me what I’m working on, and my current response is, “a baby blanket,” because I’m doing a huge favour for a friend (and that’s crochet, not writing, in case you were wondering how you write a baby blanket).

What happened in April to trigger this. Well, that’s the créme de la créme of my shit year. I ended up in hospital because my stupid brain decided reality wasn’t good enough for it, and it went walk about in insanity for a few weeks. An event that has totally fractured my belief in myself and trust in my brain, and even though everyone else is getting on with their lives as if it was all a bad dream, I’m still reeling from what happened.

How’s your year going?

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Posted by on 05/10/2015 in Uncategorized

 

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Balance: writing and life

I struggle to find time to write lately. Now that I’ve re-found my passion for writing, that’s a problem. It’s not so easy to justify stealing time to write when Child is harping, “Mum, I’m still hungry.” and study books are sitting there silently singing out at me to ensure I feel guilt for ignoring them. In the evenings I dislike sinking so far into my worlds that I don’t hear hubby’s attempts at conversation. But while Child is at kindy I am overwhelmed by social engagements.

This is why I’m in awe at those like J. C. Hart, who writes, gets published!, and studies, mothers, and fulfills household duties, etc.

For me something (or more than one something) gets dumped. Normally what suffers most is housework, but that makes me moody cos everything ends up a mess and I can’t make a cup of tea without fighting for bench space. If I keep up with housework, then study time gets cut. If I focus on study, then the writing falls through the cracks.

No matter the attempt, the end result is always guilt.

Balance is something I’ve always struggled with. What’s the answer? Is there even an answer?

So often, ‘give up trying to write’, ends up being my answer, but then I’m always dissatisfied. No matter how much a suppress it, the desire is still there. Just let me sit down and lose myself in words! I guess that’s what makes me a writer even in those months I don’t manage to write anything.

 
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Posted by on 12/09/2014 in Writing

 

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Short Life Update

If you’re one of those readers I like to imagine I have, that reads my blog but doesn’t keep up with my antics through any other avenue, then the fact that I’m now studying a diploma of counselling may come as a bit of a surprise.

But then I haven’t blogged in forever, so there’s a lot you’ve missed thanks to me falling back into the pit of what’s this life thing all about then, and what’s the point of it all?

In there I was made redundant. I lost direction. I slumped. I was finally forced to deal with the redundancy, and then I finally understood what I wanted to do with myself.

There was a lot of serendipity going on when I discovered that I wanted to be a counsellor. Hey, look over here at this campus that just opened at the other end of your suburb this year, you can study part-time, by correspondence, at your own pace, and StudyLink will even join the party to help out financially (as long as you pay it back later, of course, don’t get too excited).

So far I’ve completed 1 unit (passed with 86%!), and had 2 units cross-credited thanks to a uni paper I did. Win! The next unit is ‘due’ in 2 weeks so I can get the first practical assessment over and done with at the start of October.

Through various mental reprogramming techniques I’ve discovered, I’m going to dare to say I’m done with mental illness. Said techniques include EFT, but we’ve added a few other fun techniques to the process, and we (B~ and I) have kind of stream lined the process. I’m considering writing up the process we use and putting it on here somewhere. Then maybe others can have astounding results too.

Around study I’m also trying to get some writing stuff done. I want to re-publish Evacuation (I got stuck on the cover thing and never really went back), and I have another novella I’ve just started. It’s all good and exciting 😀

That’s how I am. How are you?

 
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Posted by on 05/09/2014 in General

 

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ADHD Vent

I read an email today from an ADHD coach that talked about ADHD being a gift.

Sure, ADHD’s name is misguiding, but it is a DISORDER. People may learn how to live good lives or become successful according to today’s society, but if they do it’s not because they have ADHD, it’s in spite of it.

Learning how you function, and how to make that work in this world, is everyone’s struggle. We are all trying to figure out where we fit in society, in our cultures. But for people with disorders we can’t just follow the majority’s example because generally we just don’t function like they do. So we take longer to work things out, or we never do.

But my daily struggle to function in a society that demands I be many things I simply naturally am not, like organised, punctual, attentive, socially aware, reliable and consistent, is not a gift.

So why do they call it a gift?

There are aspects where if you manage to exploit your malfunctioning brain you can put that to use. For example, hyper-focus. Hyper-focus is awesome if you’re pouring all that energy and focus on a single project, rather than on a computer game. But the odds of you picking the best project to work on depends on a good ability to prioritise, which most ADHDers lack. Also, you may get the project done, but it’s likely to be after missing outside responsibilities: the children haven’t been fed, the cat’s peed in the laundry cos you never noticed she needed to be let  out, and by the way, your first stop needs to be to the toilet too else you’ll have an even bigger mess. And so you need to use time management and reminders to knock you out of hyper-focus when necessary, which means back to things that we’re not particularly capable of!

Another thing they say is an ADHD gift is ‘creativity’. This, I just don’t buy. Not all creative people are ADHD, and not all ADHD people are creative. I know at least one ADHD person who is not creative. You may be both, like I am, but that doesn’t mean the creativity is dependent on the ADHD (or vice versa for that matter).

Ok, so my rant has to be over now, simply because it’s small child’s bedtime, and if I magnanimously say, ‘I’ll come back to this’, I know I never will. That I’m posting it now is not a gift, it’s simply knowing myself and working with what I know.

*deep breaths*

 
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Posted by on 12/11/2013 in Mental Health

 

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Gnosis?

I was asked the other day what gnosis is. Until I went to answer the question, I thought it was an easy answer. Then I realised I wasn’t quite sure how to go about explaining it.

Defining it is probably fairly subjective. It would depend on your teachers, your personal knowledge and psychology, and what you hoped to achieve through practicing gnosis.

Basically, the philosophy is, to know god/the universe look within yourself. If you know, really know and comprehend, yourself then the mysteries of the universe will become known. Classes consist of a lot of psychology discussion, teaching of what other gnostic masters (such a Buddha and Jesus) discovered as truth, and other teachings to help us understand the different aspects of the world and ourselves. Currently we’re learning about chakras.

Instead of picking a single text or god or person to follow, gnosis looks at all esoteric philosophies and sees within them similar beliefs, symbols and recorded experiences. Thus it is not a religion, but a philosophy which guides one’s life.

For the most part what this means is meditating (calming the mind and settling into the space between the thoughts), and examining your own mind and responses in daily life in order to see the habitual ego that takes over in different situations (this examination can also take place during meditations).

What someone hopes to get out of this will inevitably vary. Some people may want to become enlightened and obtain full comprehension of the world. Some people may want to unlock faculties such as clairvoyance or seeing auras etc. Some people just want to learn how to live in the moment, and be able to let everything go and reflect on what’s actually happening.

Of course if you’ve read this far I’m sure you’re wondering what my particular hope is. Why do I go to gnosis?

My ultimate goal is to find serenity (despite my blog’s name, and a beautiful “Serenity” banner I have, I only just worked this goal out over the last couple of months!). I want to move through my life without destroying it or others’. I want to be self-aware in a way that’s not judgmental and scolding, and grow to be a better person because of that awareness.

Gnosis has taught me a lot about my mind. I’ve had some significant ‘Ah-ha!’ moments about my behaviour. Meditation has given me faith that even I, Miss Hyper-Brain, can quiet my brain for 30 minutes plus. I’ve started using meditation as part of my going to sleep routine; instead of lying awake for hours meandering over stressful thoughts and perusing fun thoughts, I find the quiet and observe the thoughts without engaging them. They get bored, I get to sleep. Hooray!

I’m still wondering if the mediation thing will work off meds, but I’m not willing to try that out yet. Maybe in a year or so 😛

So that’s gnosis, for me. There is the included bonus of meeting wonderful people, and getting to see my teachers, and good friends, every week, who are amazing. 🙂

 
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Posted by on 10/11/2013 in Gnosis

 

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