Being finished with the psych team I had has left me quite alone in trying to live with my burdens and the only person I have to answer to is myself — my husband doesn’t hold me accountable for much.
When I stumbled on gnosticism a lot of things around me clicked together to make it really easy to become involved in. It’s run by a friend of mine so there was already a foundation of trust. With no car, most things are out of range for me, especially things that are on in the evenings; the gnostic centre is just around the corner from my house, close enough that walking there & back in the dark, while a little nerve-wracking, is not impossible. There also happened to be a new class starting.
But why get into something that borders on religion, and could be seen in ignorance as some kind of cult? (when I Googled it later some of the results made it sound a bit culty)
What gnostics do is what I was already doing. I’ve been on a gnostic path for years, I just didn’t know that term for it. “Gnostic” means “knowledge”, and the philosophy of gnosticism is that in knowing yourself you can know the universe. I’m not fussed on the latter part of that. What do I care about the universe? It gets on with its thing regardless of my actions, so I’m happy to just leave it alone. Knowing myself on the other hand, that’s what I’ve been trying to do all this time. I understand that only in knowing myself and understanding my psychology can I deal with the hurdles I’m faced with, and I continue to try in the hope that there is peace to be found somewhere along the way. The prospect of learning new techniques to gain self-knowledge, and new tools to deal with what’s uncovered was very appealing.
So I go along to these gnostic classes, and most times I learn something significant about myself. Sure, I’ll admit that I take the mystical element with more than a little skepticism, but that’s what they want. We are not told to believe them, but rather reminded that we are on the path to knowing the truth for ourselves.
It’s the psychological aspect that fascinates me. The realisation that we are not just a single ego, but many egos, and that is why we are so often in conflict with ourselves. Along with the understanding (as of this week) that my egos are more than happy to exploit my ADHD to justify laziness and other unproductive behaviours.
I’ll admit I’m not in a good space at the moment, and my hope for achieving peace in this lifetime is dwindling, but I’m still persevering. If I stop trying then there is indeed no hope.
My self-loathing was beginning to reach damaging heights as I struggled through each day having little to show for myself at the end of each struggle. My house was (is still, really, but I’ve been working on that) an embarrassing state: CHAOS (Can’t Have Anyone Over Syndrome). So often I’m was home all afternoon and do nothing to remedy the CHAOS. While my brain doesn’t cooperate during the ‘procrastinating’ or ‘hyper-focus on less important things’ (ie. busy laziness), and it rarely remembers that now is actually a good time to do other things that need doing. But even when Brain was doing its job and trying to remind me to do important activities I would mechanically and selfishly ignore it. At the end of the day I would justify it all with, “well I am ADHD. What more can I do?” But I would be disgusted with myself and my lack of determination and self-control.
Now I’m aware of what my egos are up to and I can actively refuse to cooperate.
The path of change starts with self-awareness. Once you’re aware of something you would like to change, and you accept that it’s your responsibility to change it, only then can you find a way to achieve change.
This journey is harder and longer than I want, but the payoff will be a more peaceful life. Egos are subtle and cunning, but now I’m onto them. Understand the enemy and the war is half won, etc.
Remembering how to smile…