There are moments in everybody’s life when things get to be too much. Even the most together people can’t handle stress for long periods of time without starting to fray.
My husband is normally “the stable one in our relationship.” But over the six months or so his work has been wearing him down, beating him down, until: “It was either quit or kill myself.”
Those words carved a chasm of silence that allowed the words to echo in my head for a long time. Too long. I’d known things were bad, but this, this was a whole new level of bad. But I also understood. He was actually speaking my language, from a head-space I know well: a head-space of self-loathing, desperation and exhaustion.
Once I got my head around the fact that the half of my marriage that was normally very together had actually been collapsing for quite a while, I did what I wish someone had done for me about 15 years ago: I dragged him to the doctor. He doesn’t do doctors, hasn’t been in about 10 years, so I couldn’t just send him to the doctor. I had to stride up to the receptionist and tell her (with my shaking trying-not-to-cry voice) “my husband needs to see the doctor.” Fortunately B~ was able to come and take Jake off our hands as we waited, and waited, for like, 2 hours!
We left with a prescription for anti-depressants and a referral to a counselor. Perhaps time will repair things now rather than the more typical depreciation that goes on around here.
B~ kindly spent a few hours after that doing some intensive EFT on me and the shift has been remarkable. I’d spent the weekend shattering into some millions of pieces, and she gradually put me back together. Now I’m calmer, able to think. I wish I’d realised before the weekend that I was pretty thick in depression myself an done something about it so I could be supportive rather than being critical and selfish and ultimately uncaring of anything, even my husband and his issues.
Change is inevitable in immediate future. Come the 10th August we’ll have no actual income, or my husband will have a new job. Hopefully the latter. I will look for work if I need to, but we do have a plan and the first part of that is him having full-time work, not me.
Smile for me, I haven’t the heart.