I don’t know if I’ve blogged about this before, but I certainly talked to my psychologist quite a few times before I finished at Terrace House.
Over the last three years I’ve changed so much. My entire perception of the world has altered! I understand who I am and how I work (for the most part) for the first time in my life, and I’m making the effort to change parts of me I’m not happy with that I do have control over.
In the majority of my relationships this huge change is fairly irrelevant. A lot of my friends I’ve only made in the last 3 years, and the older friendships are more distant (physically) so they don’t remind me on a daily basis of how I used to be.
My husband is an entirely different story.
We’ve been living together for ten years. He’s seen me through my worst and had to deal with that in his own way. Last night I realised that “old Fran” was a total bitch towards him, and I am beyond lucky that he stuck by my side through all that.
In having to deal with all that it inevitably affected the way he treats me, the way he feels about me and the way he acts around me. The reason I talked it over so often with my psychologist was because I was lamenting the fact that I had to build up his trust and that is the hardest thing to repair.
One thing that got lost along the way was having daily fun together. I’ve gotten so serious, and he’s anything but. One of his rules of life is “when in doubt, poke fun” (aka be facetious). It drives me up the wall when I’m trying to explain something serious about me and he makes jokes. But it’s part of him. One of the reasons I fell in love with him was because he was able to make me laugh, but at some point I stopped laughing.
Now I have to work on taking life less seriously. There are so many moments during a day which invite laughter without even trying, I just have to accept the invitation.
I am also trying to repair my marriage. I try to listen, and be honest when I haven’t heard what’s been spoken because my focus was elsewhere. I’m hoping that in time he’ll start trying to communicate with me about what’s going on in his life, and see it as sharing rather than burdening me. I’m going to keep trying to ease up on him and stop trying to get him to be more serious, and besides, I actually don’t like it when he is serious as that means there’s really something going on.
It’s hard to break habits from when I was perpetually depressed. I had to try so hard to make any response and the ones that got me involved in the moment were the negative ones like, ‘get angry’, or ‘be (slightly passively) aggressive’. Eventually the negative responses became habit, and I’m working replacing that negativity with positivity, love and laughter. That’s definitely helping me be happier. Dale now often has me doubled over in laughter. I’m sure that boosts his ego a little, and maybe takes me a little step closer to a great marriage.
Fixing something that’s been broken for so long that you can’t really remember what it is you’re trying to achieve makes things tricky, and add to that the simple fact that some things will have gotten lost simply because he’s changed makes me wonder if it’s even possible, but he’s still with me after everything I’ve been through and put him through so it’s worth a shot right.
Besides, if my efforts make me happier they’ll make him happier by default, right?
Keep smiling lovely people 😀
Thanks for reading!