I’ve been meaning to post this all month 😛 Now to actually do it!
As my focus this year is to finish things, I then have to decide what to do with things that have been finished. I think one of the barriers between me and finished projects was just that dilemma. I’m writing a novel, but what will I do with it when I’m finished? Oh well, if I don’t finish it I don’t actually have to make that decision.
But I’m trying for a change in perspective. Rather than making that decision a burden, I’m trying to look at it as an opportunity. Awesome, it’s finished, what can I do with it now? (with a tone of excitement and enthusiasm, rather than one of heaviness).
I FINISHED my short story “Evacuation”, which was a huge achievement in itself. Then I went through a stage of thinking there was no way that something I had written would be worth recognition let alone publication. Then I decided that I wasn’t going to lose anything by submitting it, and in submitting I would learn something about the submission process (as I’d never submitted a story before (having never totally finished one before)).
I never ever expected it to be accepted.
Not because it’s not a good story, because it is a good story, that is, it would be, if it was written by someone else. But I had written it, so it wouldn’t, couldn’t, be good enough. How could it be worth anything when I was the one that created it?
When I got the acceptance email last weekend I almost died. I scanned it at first, to distance myself from the rejection, but then it didn’t say what I expected it to. Then I read it properly. And re-read it. And perused it. I bounced around the house. I called Dale in and told him. I bounced some more, and when I was sure that it was real I yelled about it on Facebook.
It still doesn’t feel real, and I’m not sure it will until I’m holding a book in my hands that has my name in it.
I finished something, put it out there, and I learned a valuable lesson, “Fran can produce something worth having”.
Choosing to put myself out there is something I’m trying to do with everything I create. People kept saying to me, “you should sell that,” or “sell your designs”. Finally I created a logo.
I made a few things. I created a Facebook page. I’ve sold two headbands and someone wants the shrug I’m currently knitting enough to pay!
I also have a cross stitch piece I designed hanging at Make Cafe (as part of their ‘Love’ themed hoop art challenge), though that is not for sale.
I’m a business!
I’m going to get things onto Felt at some point. I’ve listed things on TradeMe but had no luck. I’m hoping to sell some notebooks at a market next weekend. I’ve also been asked to run some crochet workshops.
People are praising my work, my ideas and my abilities.
It’s all a bit overwhelming, and my self-esteem is all confused; people’s support and admiration is going directly against my core self-belief of worthlessness.
I’ll be the first to say that it’s a stupid core belief, but that doesn’t make it go away. It takes much more evidence to convince me that it’s not true, and being convinced is only a transient thing. There’s always plenty of evidence to convince me that it is true and that I’m a waste of space and oxygen.
If it was easy, I wouldn’t be trying so hard!
Anyway, I’m getting published! And people are buying my stuff!
Didn’t see that coming 😛