You know the moment in 300 when Leonidas kicks the messenger into the pit. Wednesday last week I got kicked in the chest right into the pit of depression.
One of the problems with working on getting better is ‘the taller you are the harder you fall’ syndrome. The better I am, the further I have to fall to get to a point where I’m really bad, and then in comparison it seems way worse than the same place seemed before when I didn’t know there was an alternative.
The trigger, as in this case there was a very specific trigger which is unusual for me, wasn’t actually that big of a deal. Once I talked things over with my husband and understood the circumstances that, when misunderstood, flung me into the pit, the trigger event was pretty much all sorted out. What neither me nor my husband expected was that despite the trigger issue being resolved, it didn’t pull me out of the fall. It was too late. The push part was over and I was just plunging into darkness.
The next day I called in some help. It was the first time I’ve ever done that. I called my friend, and she dutifully came round. Mostly she looked after my son while I tried to hold myself together. We talked a little about the trigger event, but because it was over and pretty much resolved there wasn’t really much to talk about. Now, at this point I wasn’t just depressed but I was also exhausted. I said some things really un-diplomatically, totally missed communication cues, and ended up making my support person have a breakdown of her own! Oh, yes, Fran is an awesome friend. So then instead of being supported, I was doing the supporting, which was easier for me because I’m well practiced in being a good support person, and not so much at knowing how to be supported.
By the end of the Friday my mind was swirling with suicidal thoughts. Now, don’t be alarmed. It’s quite normal for me. There’s this personality disorder called “borderline personality disorder” I have, which explains it a little. Basically I see the world in black and white (not literally, I’m not colour blind, but in the good and evil, right and wrong, worthwhile and worthless, way). So, I was worthless and wrong and people like that don’t deserve to live, and seeing as that’s how I am wouldn’t it make sense to just remove the burden that I must be on others. The perception of someone who is depressed is very warped, but at the time it was very true for me.
A different friend came around that afternoon after work, which helped. We talked, I cried, we had a supermarket adventure and then we parted ways. My husband was at a work thing that night, and once the little boy was asleep I was very alone. The dark of that night was the worst I’d been in for over a year. I’m surprised the house didn’t float away on a river of tears. The absolute loathing of myself, who I was and my failings as a human being left me bruised, but I was still alive when my hubby got home.
Somewhere in there I probably should have sought professional help, but I’ve never been any good at determining things like that when in that head space, and it’s a bit late when you’ve got the gift of hindsight.
It took a while to come right. Well, in the big scheme of things it was no time at all, and it was only a lapse rather than a relapse, but I didn’t just bounce back immediately or anything. There were a lot of fights, many instances of me being irrational and argumentative, and I think there’s a few more grey hairs going on in this household. Eventually, after half-hearted attempts at communicating for most of a week, my husband and I had a massive heart to heart conversation. The day after that was Valentine’s Day, which saw me get some unexpected appreciation from some lovely people. I spent the day with people I love, and by the end of it I felt better. Not so good that I didn’t make snarky comments about not getting anything from my husband on Valentine’s, but we don’t do Valentines, and never have so there was nothing unexpected going on.
I’m not right back to where I was before I was kicked down, but I’m getting better. I need to catch up on sleep, but I’m still not sleeping well, so it’s hard to win in that area. My self-esteem is still a bit shattered, but people are helping me assemble the pieces. I just hope that the people who got hurt in the process of me having such a bad time will forgive me.
I thank all the people who supported me, and appreciated me, from the bottom of my heart. ❤ ❤