I have been so busy with so much that I simply haven’t be able to get my brain focused enough to blog!
After our August Christchurch Writers’ Guild I had so much I wanted to do, including kick-starting the CWG Critiquing Programme. I put so much into it knowing that once it was going it would be a fairly smooth process for all involved. And it has been so far…
I had both a psychiatrist and psychologist appointment last Monday, which left me with a lot to think about, a new strategy to try, and a lot more self awareness. My psychiatrist and I discussed the long term effects of having depression or bi-polar through the puberty years, as they are the years you spend getting a sense of what the world and you are all about. When you see the world and yourself through blackened glasses, and get little pleasure out of anything, it makes sense that you would become very negative about everything and have no self-esteem.
Now I’m learning that the world, and myself, is not what I believed it is. Now my view of life doesn’t line up with my beliefs about it, and I complained that I was very confused. I mean, I can say “I’m a good mum” and I know it, but my inner belief system will pipe up and say, that can’t be true, you’re worthless, suck at everything, and will never be successful. It does get frustrating not being able to trust that inner voice.
I discussed life changing things will my psychologist too. I tried to explain my failure with self-motivating myself, and how it affected my major difficulties with getting housework done. We talked about my constant failures with any strategy I put in place, that they never worked, and I’d miss doing the dishes one day and end up hating myself and wishing I could be someone else for a day or two, or forever.
She suggested it was my response to missing a day which was making the systems not work. Because I let myself be so negatively affected by missing one day of doing the dishes, the next day the damage is done, and I’m filled with self-loathing anyway so why do the dishes. She said I should think about what could happen if I didn’t worry about missing a day, and instead just let myself feel good when I do manage things. We left on a “we’re out of time, but we’ll talk more about this in a fortnight”, so we didn’t really come up with strategising, but I’m not one to sit on some deep thought like that for two weeks and not act.
My newest strategy: I have on my fridge, by my calendar, a small “habit making” table. It’s from Kikki-K, but when they run out I’m totally just going to make my own. On the left side you list the habits you’re trying to make, on the right side is the reward you’ll get from doing it, and between them is 7 tick boxes. You do it, you tick it for the day. I’ve limited myself to 4 habits: do some dishes, do some laundry, use my diary, and do something I’ve been putting off. Today I’ve done everything except use my diary (so far, I have to plan my week so I may still use it this evening.) Anyway, the goal is 21 days to make a new habit, so I’ve given each habit 3 lines of tick boxes. Really, I’m just going for get as many ticks as possible. My rewards are just reminding me how much nicer and less stressful my home will be if I stay on top of odious housework. Today is the start of week 2, and so far I can see last week I did laundry 7 days in a row! That’s like, a miracle, and now I’m actually caught up on my laundry (thanks to four beautiful days in a row) and it’s still winter. Normally I don’t hit all caught up until mid-January. I can also see I did the dishes 4/7 days, which is better than some weeks, and I know Dale did them at least one day so I don’t mind I missed 3 days.
I’ve also been writing and editing and sketching and looking up prices on CreateSpace. I’m going to enter a few competitions and submit a story I thoroughly edited to a journal or two (or three, until I get published, or give up 😛 ) once it’s been through the CWG Critiquing Programme. Beaulah has restarted her 3AM Epiphany Project page (Google it, second hit, can’t be bothered finding you a link) which should be fun and educational, and I may post my challenge results up here (I have yet to complete challenge one, so no promises).
One last thing. Dale and I have decided that next year I’m going to focus on learning how to be good, and being good, being a mum, and on writing (and other creative antics). So, I won’t be going back to uni until 2014.