Irritable Much

That’s what I’ve been since Jake woke me this morning. For no reason at all. He slept another full night, and consequently so did I, but I woke up ready to snap at everyone and everything and lots of deep breathing didn’t really help. Neither did hubby telling me he’s gonna apply for new work. Anywhere is better than where he is, but did it have to be now? I’m really trying to be optimistic, and it’s not that hard considering everything. He’ll no doubt get better pay and work incentives than where he is now cos you can’t get much worse!

My little man, who is for the majority of the time perfect, is refusing to sleep. He’s exhausted and I’m exhausted. All I want is a cup of tea in peace and maybe a couple of panadol, but the former won’t happen ’til he sleeps and the latter won’t happen ’til I can drag my arse off the couch, lol. We bought his cot today, picking it up in the weekend. I can’t believe he’s already moving out of his bassinette. He’s 10weeks tomorrow! Where did the time go??

I’m considering signing up for HalfNoC over at KiwiWriters, but I’m not sure. I think it would be good for me to get a routine that includes daily writing instead of just going all manic and writing oodles in one day (hypomania, technically). We’ll see how I feel in the morning. Now is not the time for making month-changing decisions.

Fighting my way back

Yesterday wasn’t a bad day, per se, I was just really bad. Jake was wonderful, as always. Dale helped out heaps. And my little brother came round in the evening and bought us dinner Noodle Canteen, nomnomnom.

By the evening I had scrambled up from complete shit to just having a bad day. Not great, but better.

Jake slept for 11 hours last night. He went to bed at 9:15pm. Grumbled enough to wake me at 2am and 3am but neither time was convincing enough to get me out of bed, and then the next time he woke me it was past 8am! First thing I asked was if Dale had fed him last night, the second was whether I had fed him. Even I struggle to go 11 hours with no food! lol.

Today I’m feeling a little more level. Just chilling out. The weather has eased up, so we’re gonna get out of the house at some point . Should probably get some housework done too.

Good is just an illusion

I’m having a shit day. Not just shit, complete-ready to walk out-shit. It’s like someone took me to the top of a skyscraper to show me the view, let me enjoy it for a few days and gave the implication that I could live in the penthouse, and then pushed me out the window and is now laughing at me for being so fucking gullible.

And it sucks, hard. I’m angry at myself for letting it catch me off guard, and that anger is spilling over to angry at everyone around me, ie. hubby, and that’s making everything so much worse.

I hate life, seriously. Good is too good to be true.

3105 Words Later

and I have a first draft of what I think is actually only part of a bigger story. I think my character (who’s name is Daisy, which sucks, but she convinced me it works for her so I didn’t push the issue) has more to show me, and is just letting me have a bit of a breather before the next part.

I don’t much like the end. Not what happens, just how I’ve written it, plus it needs thorough editing, so I’ve still got plenty of work to do. If it needs a genre I think it would fit into the urban fantasy box, which is exciting cos I’ve never written urban fantasy before.

Who am I kidding? Every aspect of this story is exciting for me right now. It’s just leapt out of me, and adventure every step of writing what I have so far, and holds promise for more. What more could a writer want?

In other news, Jake is sleeping awesomely. He slept from 10:30pm til 7:30am, and is having a pretty sleepy day too. I have to brave the wind and rain to go up to the post office. I was hoping hubby would be home early from work, but no luck there, so I’ll have to take Jake out in the nasty weather too. The pushchair’s raincover is getting well used anyway.

I’m feeling good. Really really good. Level. It’s a little scary. I think I’m afraid of losing it. And of never getting to this point without meds. It’s opened up a lot of questions to ask my psychiatrist on Monday.

Tentative Blog Entry

I seem to have a tendency to start blogging and then give up after a while, and not necessarily a long while. So I’m making no promise to blog regularly, or to blog at all.

But, I wanted to give it another shot, because a lot has changed over the last few months.

For one, my son, Jake, was born in March. He’s now 9 weeks old and I’m finally starting to feel like I’m getting the hang of motherhood (just a little. Most of the time it still overwhelms me). For anyone out there who likes to oooh and ahhh over the details he was 7lb7 and 56cms long.

I’ve also just (2 days ago) started on a mood stabiliser to help manage my bipolar. We had to switch to bottle feeding Jake, and when we did he started feeding, sleeping and bring up wind much better and overall became a much happier baby. Suddenly I had no excuse for feeling crap all the time, and because I wasn’t breast feeding anymore the option was there to go on meds. So I have, but it’s too early to say what the effects are.

As for my writing, cos I should probably say something about that, well, I haven’t done a hang of a lot of it this year. Most of what I have done has been poetry, but today I finally had a good bout of prose writing. I have no idea what it is yet, but hopefully I will have the time and motivation to find out more tomorrow.

Well, I have a hungry little man to get fed.